Sunday, July 30, 2006

rant and rave

Last night was the third annual Rant and Rave, a spoken-word and art event created to celebrate free speech, raise consciousness on our current world situation, and raise funds to support the Poetix Arts in Education Program which takes local poets into the juvenile detention facility to teach kids writing, performing, and marketing skills so they can have the opportunity to rehabilitate and be heard through their art. It's great.

So the theme this year was Unify and I was honored to once again be asked to participate. I would like to share one of the poems I performed, even though I feel my poetry loses a lot in the translation to page. I am definitely a performance poet.

Let's break life down to some basic elements:
Earth, Sun, Wind, Rain
from which comes forth
Man, Woman
from which comes forth
Religion, Government, Art, Technology
from which comes forth
Civilization, Culture, Morality, Lifestyle
War or Peace
Famine or Feast.

We are living our lives, eating food, loving each other, watching tv, driving cars, going to church, working jobs, sleeping in beds
Precariously balanced on a precipice
that our ancestors and our contemporaries and we have
hastily slapped together.
We are going to fall-
All of us
Unless
We work together.

To avoid disintegration
DIS---INTEGRATION
We need to work together
to meticulously dismantle this unstable structure
on which every planetary life currently
T E E T E R S and T O T T E R S.
Take it apart. Build it from the ground up.
Consciously pick up every scattered component out of place and
Put it back where it belongs.

This is simple, kids.
Like a nursery floor covered in
lincoln logs, legos and blocks
just one piece at a time
Pick it up and Put it where it belongs.

Renewable Resources?
Pick it up and Put it where it belongs.
Religious Tolerance?
Pick it up and Put it where it belongs.
Non-polluting Solutions?
Pick it up and Put it where it belongs.

But we can't even start this clean up project if
Dick is still pulling Jane's hair.

To save ourselves from Annihilation
from the total Dis-integration of our current situation
will require our Cooperation
which grows from Communication and
leads to our Salvation.

Building from the bottom up starts at Home.
If we can't get along with our Brother and Sisters,
with our Lovers and Partners,
with our Neighbors and Friends and Communities
How are we going to get along as
Religious Congregations,
States and Nations,
Governments and Financial Agencies
with big agendas in mind?

Simple equations:
Man + Woman = ?
Black + White = ?
Christian + Muslim = ?
You create the answers and you create the world we live in.
The sum total of our existence is in our hands.

You think Feminism is an antiquated theory?
You think Racism is a thing of the past?
You think an ethos of Tolerance, Compassion and Forgiveness is too gentle for
these violent times?
Every concerned member of our Movement needs to take a look in the mirror.
We cannot love each other until we love ourselves and
We cannot love ourselves until we examine and unlearn society's lessons
that tell us we are:
Unattractive, Unsuccessful, Unfulfilled and Unworthy.

Unplug.
Forgive.

Everyone that ever hurt anybody anywhere was hurt by someone else themself first.
Forgive your Mother and father, and Forgive the ones before them.
Forgive your clergy, Forgive your elected officials.
Forgive Yourself and Move Forward.
Pick up a piece and Put it where it belongs.

Man + Woman = Love
Black + White = Understanding
Christian + Muslim = Tolerance
Rich + Poor = Compassion
Then suddenly we live in a culture that sustains on a planet that survives.

Let's keep it simple, kids.
Let's start our project with six simple words,
take them home and say them out loud,
Believe them and Know them all the time:
There Is No Us and Them
There Is No Us and Them
There Is No Us and Them


Sunday, July 23, 2006

why the world needs superman


I have never been a big comic book person, though in some ways I have really appreciated the genre. I wasn't a comic reader as a girl, but as a I grew older some of the men in my life shared some of their favorites with me, such as the Doom Patrol series (in particular the issues with Grant Morrison writing) and Elfquest (one of my kids' favorites).

I must make the disclaimer that as a woman, and furthermore as a feminist and a pacifist, I have definitely objected to the strongly sexist treatment of women characters (or complete lack thereof) and the focus on intense violence in the bulk of the genre. I have also read an analysis of the structure of comics that suggests that the format of comic books, a series of frames of graphics with a speech bubble or box included for each frame, is actually more difficult for most women to process than for men due to some subtle differences in the way our brains process information and deal with spatial schematics. This could possibly be why the genre has been so strongly patriarchal in nature if it is so much more easily processed and therefore utlilised by men. (I wish I had an article to reference for you, but this was years ago, and I cannot remember the source.)

However, I have seen wonderful stories come from comics and brilliant, creative ideas and characters. I love the wide and wild variety in styles of artwork and have seen everything from the sublime to the minimal work wonders for a tale. And because the genre is so accepting of different styles of art, that makes it accessible to everyone despite their artistic limitations. I also appreciate comic books as the genre of "the other" often dealing in themes of alienation and discrimination, despite its own internal prejudices. Plus, since its inception there has been a reclaiming of the comic genre by women and some awesome and fun work has come from that movement that I have really enjoyed. (Check out Strong Women In Comics and Wimmin's Comix and Friends of Lulu.)

The recent trend toward turning comic books into movies has proved interesting; I like to see the way those characters and that otherworldly action is interpreted on the big screen. I am a big fan of the X-Men stories and the movies. (Plus, I have a burning crush on Wolverine.) I haven't delved too deeply into too many other of the comic to movie trend, but yesterday the kids and I went to see Superman Returns.

Personally, I didn't even know Superman had gone anywhere, but as the story line goes, he had to travel far into another part of the universe to explore the remains of his home planet and the journey took him quite a while. I have never been much of a Superman fan. Though he certainly is an alien and must wrestle with his own demons of alienation and otherness, he always had such a good American boy feel to him: his dashing good looks, his constant quest to do good that overshadows any internal struggle, his silly, silly outfit, and his bumbly alias, Clark Kent. And it has always really bothered me that Lois Lane was so daft that she couldn't figure out that the man she loved was the same man that she worked right next to every single day. I am sorry, but anyone that is that deeply in love with someone is simply NOT going to be fooled into mistaking them for someone else by the mere presence of some spectacles on their nose.

But here we have a Superman that HAS been grappling with his darker side, the pain of the loss of his family and his entire culture, the realization that he is the ONLY one of his species left in the universe. Talk about feeling alone. Furthermore, he fucked up. He took off and left Earth and all of our human woes and frailty behind, and to top it off he didn't even tell Lois he was going. Oops. Now he needs to figure out how to re-enter his old life, and one gets the sense that it is all taking its toll on him. Yeah, so now is when I would start to dig Superman, right? When he is in pain, when he is fucking up, when he feels isolated and hurt. I am sick. (please see previous post on my codependency)

So Lois Lane has written a Pulitzer Prize winning article in Superman's absence, and amidst her own suffering from his abandonment of her in particular, an article titled "Why the World Doesn't Need Superman." Interesting concept. The article is not much expanded upon in the movie, but Lois goes so far to say that the world doesn't need a savior. By the end of the movie, of course, she feels differently.

And frankly, so did I.

How good would it feel to know that when you are in the most dangerous and bizarre of circumstances, that their just might be hope? Who or what else could you possibly conceive of to rescue you if you were about to be in a plane wreck, crushed under a toppling building, drowning deep at sea? Anything to give anyone more hope in those circumstances works for me.

But beyond that I am deeply enamored with a character who rests above the skyline utilizing his superhuman hearing to tune into the happenings below so that he may appear on the scene anywhere, anytime there is a need for help. That is truly generous. If only we were all able to offer our assistance to the world so effectively, we would each experience far fewer crises.

And you know, here is a man who could choose to fuck anyone in the world he so desired. He is 6'4," charmingly handsome with crystal blue eyes, and he can do anything. He is solar-powered for god's sake; how hip is that? Just about anybody would cast aside their derision as to how queer his super-suit is and take him to bed if he asked, if for no other reason than he's just so nice, and not particularly conceited despite his grandiose repertoire of skills. But he is devoted to the one woman he loves, he never takes advantage of her, and he fucking ADMITTED HE WAS WRONG TO HER for leaving without saying goodbye. That quality, the ability to go ahead and apologize and eat crow if it's your turn to do so, is precious and endearing coming from any man, and I laud Superman for his humility and his honesty. That in and of itself, his example of a strong, good looking, highly accomplished man admitting his own mistake to a woman makes me feel like the world needs a Superman around.

I also think that Superman would be very beneficial to the anti-globalization movement. Here's a man who has experienced genocide first hand, and I think he's pretty smart, I believe he'd be able to see the connection between the global economy and the ongoing oppression and destruction of third world culture for the profit of huge industries benefiting few people. He has already demonstrated that he absolutely opposes any one man's quest for power if it interferes with the will or well-being of others, I mean check out his track record keeping down Lex Luthor. Furthermore, he grew up in a midwestern farm town, and he's got a righteous reputation with the average, mainstream American. The people are going to follow his lead if he starts supporting rallies and protests. Just imagine the edge his powers would give to international peace and economic justice activist planning. No need to worry about big government infiltration of your affinity groups' plans to shut down the G-8 summit or the big WTO talks if he is on our side, and he can see and hear through walls, can transmit important organizing information without risk of interception by flying our messages anywhere in the world, and can keep armed police forces safely at bay with some well targeted cooling breath or laser beam eye shots, while we circle the city, any city! Yay!

With Superman's powers and his penchant for salvaging humankind I think he'd make a welcome ally to our struggle. I don't think he'd stand for large scale terrorist attacks (whether Islamic fundamentalists or the American government were the terroists in question) or nuclear holocaust. I think he'd take the School of Americas and uproot it at its foundation and send it orbiting out in space, never again to produce a graduating class of war-mongering, mass murdering militia leaders. He is apprised of excellent, advanced technology that could likely save us from our own destruction of ourselves by eliminating the need for a fossil fuel dependent economy of pollution and waste. The possibilities are endless.

So Lois, take the night off. I've gone ahead and finished your next article for you. The world does need Superman, in fact the world needs all of us to respond to our own plight as though we were bred of the same steel and sunshine composition as Kal-El, Krypton's native son. Superman sets an example for us all encouraging us to do the best we can with whatever we've got to take care of each other and to be honest and kind. He demonstrates that it's OK if we make mistakes, we just have to be willing to admit that we have and learn and move on from there. We really need us all to be saviors, and I would be really grateful if we had his help, 'cause man, our asses are nearly up against the wall.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

codependent

Some time back I wrote a post called "i like to feel" in which I talk about a lot of the things to which I am not addicted. I recently discovered something to which I am addicted. I am addicted to love, or at least the illusion of it. I am addicted to my relationship, probably a lot of my relationships. I am addicted to people, and right now painfully so to one person in particular.

It hit me tonight as I drove in the car, lamenting the difficulties we are having, worrying desperately that our relationship will soon draw to a close, that a day may come when I longer get to see him, hear him, smell him, touch him, bask in his presence. I felt like I could die. I felt what I believe is a craving. I craved to be in his presence, and this is far from the first time I have felt this way.

I have often wondered what it must feel like to crave, to truly, addictively crave one's drug of choice. I wondered how much it was visceral, how much emotional, how it must be to not be able to shut off that sensation. I am sure it is different for every different person, and for every different substance one can crave. Now I have some insight.

My craving feels like a desperate need to see him, be near him, as though everything in my world will be OK if I can simply get into his presence, into his arms, or even better into his bed. My craving starts in my mind, starts with a cycle of thoughts that involve a lot of pain and insecurity and discomfort, and then it moves into my throat which feels like it is a rough knot that I cannot possibly swallow past, then my mouth gets dry. The craving keeps moving till it gets to my heart [I had typed "hurt" instead of heart in my first draft. Talk about your freudian slip.] which feels hollow, feels a terrible vacancy aching to be filled. Then the sensation hits my stomach which flips nauseatingly. The sensation is absolutely physical and emotional in nature, and it is pressing and demanding and gives me the keen sense that nothing will quench this desire other than him.

I feel it now, a wild desperation to get into my car and leave behind all responsibilities, all logical behavior and get nearer to him. And I've done it. I have unexpectedly shown up at his door many times over the years and in different incarnations of our relationship. Sometimes it is rewarding, a good score; I reap some temporary gratification through receiving the desired response, the right words, the right reaction, the right embrace, as though a stronger version of the drug I use just hit the streets and hit my unsuspecting bloodstream for the first time. Oftentimes succumbing to that craving does not pay off; I've built up a tolerance to certain responses he may have to me and I need more, stronger, better interactions to make this hit worthwhile.

I seek his company again and again to stave off the unbearable sensation of being without him, just like junkies seek their high again and again just to save themselves from the unbearable sensation of being sober.

Now I've got another label I can tack on to myself: codependent. So what? I am not going to start going to a 12 step support group. I am glad to be aware that this behavior is not healthy. It is helping me to keep myself in check, keeping me from getting in the car and doing drive-bys just to see if he's home, what he's doing, if he's alone. It is helping me to recognize that if our relationship does end that I may not die from longing for him. There is likely to be a painful period of withdrawal and then recovery, and I will make it. Oh yeah. I remember. I have felt this way before, have felt this way everytime a relationship I am in draws to a close before I am ready for it to do so. And I do get better.

But then there is the next relationship.

I feel little hope right now for the likelihood of my getting into a healthy, successful, long-lasting partnership. I think it is common for those of us who are still single as we get older [Older is, of course, relative. Right now I feel older, having moved firmly out of my twenties.] to doubt that we'll find a mate. I think it is especially common for single mothers with half-grown children and mountains of debt and yard-length stretch marks and unfathomable responsibilities to feel that way. Who would want to walk into this mess? Nevermind that I am beautiful and strong and smart and an incredibly caring, generous and attentive partner. It would take an especially secure person to look past all of the challenging features and dive into the substance of my life. I have a hard time picturing who that person could be, especially because everytime I try to see them in my mind's eye, I see only one man, the same man whom I have adored for ten years, with whom I have shared some of my most profound experiences. The man whose mere presence acts as a balm to my soul. The man whose shirt I keep balled up next to my pillow so I can have the scent of him near me all night, every night.

I don't fucking care if I am codependent. I want him. I want only him. And the healthy, conscious, precious, loving woman part of me knows that given the proper attention and energy we can be together, healthfully.

Denial? I don't know what you are talking about.