Thursday, February 22, 2007

frazzled

Well, I do hate when I go this long without posting, and this time it's quite a tragedy because there is so much good writing in my brain that I just have not had time to get out of my system and onto a screen. It's making me crazy. I have been so busy and I am quite tired. I seem to need so much sleep. Plus, I started a long and involved post that seems very important to me and I keep thinking I'll get back to it and shouldn't post anything else till that gets completed, but alas, tonight I just need to vent.

I am so premenstrual, I am very overly emotional. I have felt clingy and a little hung up on some things (read: people) that I have lately been in a rather good space about. This morning I cried in the car on the way to our new homeschool coop group (which is quite wonderful, by the way) about the idea that I wouldn't have another baby. Frankly, I feel like I have been processing that concept for a while. In many ways I felt like this past fall and the emotional pain I was having was my grieving over the acceptance that my childbearing days truly are over, so I felt very much in a place of acceptance. It was a bit of a surprise to creep up on me so unexpectedly.

I have also been sick with some silly cold or flu which I certainly caught last weekend at this "kissing" party I went to. (Yes, it was every bit what you imagine it to have been.) So the cold combined with the PMS is making me feel vulnerable. Often in states like this my dreams go a bit haywire, as they are prone to surreal hyperbole and drama in a graphic and visual way anyhow, and I have dreamed twice in recent nights very vividly about my beloved dog Aleksie coming to harm or dying.

So tonight, she and the silly rottweiler decided to take off as they do when Stanley gets loose. It pisses me off and worries me, but usually they are gone a few hours then show up tired and dirty, but always together. Well, Stanley has been home for over and hour now and there is still no sign of Aleksie, gone since 5:00 this afternoon, and my fear that some harm has actually come to her is really starting to get the worst of me. I mean, those could have been prophetic dreams. It would certainly not be the first time I have had dreams of that nature. But then again, I do not trust myself right now because I know I am emotionally vulnerable and over anxious as a result. I just want her to come home.

So the rest of my life you will have to wait upon. If you haven't already seen it you could check out the valentine I made for everybody I know earlier this month. Part of it was just a recycled post from a very early date in this blog. Ooh! Actually, you could do that, too. If you haven't been reading from the beginning, now is a good time to go back and catch up on some of my earlier posts. My blog is definitely not strictly chronological and most of my posts read as individual compositions. So there. I'm off the hook. Go read my old stuff while I sit here and worry about my dog and work on some long winded, heady new stuff to post later.

Goodnight. I hope my 'leksie girl comes home safe and sound and all in one piece and I hope I sleep well and find some time to write.

1 comment:

~ashaya~ said...

Kissing party!?! Damn, I miss all the good stuff!