Sunday, June 03, 2007

a blog reborn

Oh my sweet and beloved blog, I have not abandoned you! I actually think of you far more often than is reasonable. I mean, if I am going to write, I should write. If I am not, I should not spend my time feeling guilty that I have not. That said, I believe I have returned.

This spring thus far has been...revolutionary. Certainly, I am prone to bouts of personal revolution, in fact, I seem to not function well without them. But somewhere between new years eve's self-inflicted, psychological turmoil (which I have yet to post about, but will; the tale is party written and deserves to come to light) and the first blooms of the equinox everything settled like a silky layer of silt at the ocean floor; the blackness is occasionally rustled by the tides but mostly rests compliantly below where I can dig my toes into its soft murkiness when I choose.

What has spring wrought upon me? With delicate hammers of silver and copper my life has been molded and fired, the materials of my days sometimes easing seamlessly into new forms and other times requiring a little extra banging into place.

I have new housemates, three to be exact, that actually comprise an entirely new family structure for me with great potential for the future. Three lovely ladies now complete my household, and we two mommies, two sons and two daughters have become the progressive evolution of the old Brady Bunch theme. And trust me, two cooperative parents under one roof is far superior to one struggling alone. We are having a blast!

There has been a shift in my codependency and in a primary love relationship. I am demonstrating a high proficiency in my lessons around living my life for my self and allowing others to do the same and keeping healthy boundaries. It feels fantastic.

A powerful catalyst swooped into town and once again brought up some questions for me that I continue to address. What level of priority do I place upon my need for the profundity I experience through trance, festivals and travel versus the sanctity I desire at home and with family and in relationships? How do I continue to strive for balance amongst them? Where must they intersect, and at what points is it acceptable for them to diverge? And who should I love and how and what love will compliment me most in all arenas of my being? These are all big questions for me, as both realms are of immense import to me. This is an ongoing process.

And then there is the pain. The physical which seems to have, for some reason, become my constant companion. I seek the whys and hows and what to do for relief. I have been looking at the physiological and psychological reasons for these ongoing struggles and feel confusion. Should my goal be to find the answer that ends the pain or to make peace with it and accept its place in my life? I do not want to hurt, especially when I feel so fucking gloriously about being alive. But then, I count my blessings; at least I feel gloriously about being alive. At least my children are well. At least my home is safe. At least I continue to have these periods of personal transmutation and revelation. And yet I grow weary of the hurt.

And there has been music, so much music I am blessed to feel. Band of Horses, The Arcade Fire, Goa Gil and more. Next stop TOOL!

Alas, I am alive, dear readers, fully. I am activated. I seek answers but understand that I may spend the rest of my days looking for them. But for the opportunity to quest, I give thanks. Welcome back to my process and thank you very much for sharing.

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